If I'm Being Honest

If you've noticed my posts go down on the summer months, it's because even though I have more time to occupy myself with fun things, eventful things, summer type things, the truth is that with how my time works out here I am probably doing even less things that are truly worth documenting here.

A lot of days are filled with general idleness. Partly due to our location (I think we've found everything in El Paso that can give even the littlest thrill)but mostly due to lack of obligations and desire, I feel more in a rut in my life than ever. When my days have been filled with work and school the moments where we get to spend an evening out with friends, a vacation in Las Vegas with John's family, or even a Sunday enjoying the newly warm spring weather makes me the luckiest girl in the world. In summary, hard work equals more appreciation for relaxation and recreation.

After two months of recreation and relaxation without truly earning any of it, I am missing the feeling of true accomplishment, of fulfillment in my life. I find myself unchallenged. The days melt into a week and then a month and I have scarcely begun to really make a difference in my own life, let alone anyone else's. It's very frustrating, and tonight, I snapped. I have not been living up to my potential and it's eating me up. I feel unfed spiritually, mentally and physically. It's really time for a change.

Part of this relates to watching my amazing, incredible husband work so hard every day for our family and really coming up in short in my efforts to contribute. I not only owe it to myself to do more with my time but also to him to do more. He is always ready with an idea to help me succeed, and is often foiled by own perception of what is right for me. I used to feel like I have an excuse because so many other wives seem to be doing what I have done, enjoying the summer off and taking some extra relaxation from the normal day to day that occurs the rest of the year. Last year I felt perfectly content doing that, but in the last year I have accomplished more than I probably ever have and I long for that feeling again.

I am also feeling that I am lacking in my spirituality. This is something that with so much time on my hands, I could be really striving to do more to maintain a personal relationship with my Savior. I am embarrassed to say that this is more time wasted. John often compares our life here on earth to a comma in a novel in comparison to the eternities. It also happens to be the most important marking in the whole book. Who we are in this life, our belief in Christ (beyond just believing that he is our Savior, but in his ability to save us) and the efforts and intentions of our hearts here are what matter more than anything. None of us have
time to waste. Today is the day.

I have always been one that is worried about biting off more than I can chew, but as a result at times it has kept me from even taking a bite. I am at a point where to be truly happy, that is just not an option for me anymore. I need to have more faith that I can not only accomplish hard things, but I can take on more than just what fills a day,and contribute in more ways than one, all at the same time. No life goal is too out of reach. I have it so easy and it freaks me out. There are those that have bigger problems, bigger obstacles than I do. What's my obstacle? My own fear that trying with end in failure. I am better than that. So I am writing this post to remind myself to be honest, to keep me going when I want procrastinate, and to hold myself accountable to not only myself, my husband, and the Lord, but also to all of you. This is honest to goodness me, without all the fluff of a typical adventure filled with pictures. This post is actually me deciding to have the best adventure possible. This is my life.